I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
smell my finger.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
