It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
