I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
