I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
