the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize