Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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