I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
