what if every blade of grass was a penis?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
