U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
