Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
