he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
