I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
