just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
