Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
