Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did I show you my penis last night?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
