I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
