i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize