I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
