Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
