the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
