she sounds like chewbacca in bed
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
