You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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