so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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