I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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