my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
