I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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