Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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