I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
