Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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