Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
