I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
