I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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