I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
