Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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