i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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