and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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