I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
