lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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