Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
