Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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