I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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