she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
