remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
