i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
