I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
