This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I could make wine with my vomit
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
