Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
