Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My bed smells like the plague
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
