I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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