It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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