why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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