No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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