Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
