I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
