So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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