I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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